Going Into The Arena Alone
by miss izzy92
Summary: Sometimes he doesn't want softness and sweet smiles and elevator music. He wants Rhett Butler and sweat and anger and electricity and bass-thumping rock. Kurt introspective piece. Kurtofsky.


**Disclaimer:** _Glee_ and _Gone With The Wind_ belong to their rightful owners. Title comes from a quote from GWTW.

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><p>Blaine Anderson is Ashley Wilkes. Kurt won't admit it to anyone but himself, when he feels the most resentful and wants to hurt someone, but he is.<p>

He's so passive sometimes, especially with Sebastian. He's naïve and oblivious but he isn't stupid. It's impossible not to see when you're being hit on like that. And he still does nothing to dissuade him, just preens and Kurt has the urge to punch him in the face.

He shouldn't, he knows he shouldn't. He's better than that.

The scariest part is that jealousy is the strongest feeling he's capable of when he's with Blaine, and that kills him.

That's where the Ashley Wilkes part comes in. He wanted Blaine before, desperately and almost embarrassingly. But despite their friendship, they barely know each other. Blaine keeps every part of himself hidden behind layers of 1950s-movie-star charm and unspeakable amounts of hair gel, and at first it's frustrating and mysterious and made Kurt want to find more, but they've reached a point where he's coming to a realization that Blaine keeps his masks because there's not much else beneath them.

Blaine Anderson is just a guy, like there are million others and Kurt didn't realize that. What he does realize is that Blaine never did much of an effort to know more about him in return. There was no need. He's laid himself bare since day one.

But there's so much Blaine doesn't know about him, so much pre-fabricated ideas he shares with the rest of the world. He probably thinks Kurt came out of the womb singing Barbara's greatest hits, which is one the most popular misconceptions about him.

But that wouldn't be really possible with a blue-collar father in the middle of Ohio. For him, childhood is Disney movies, bass-thumping rock and the smells in the garage that made him feel dizzy. When he was little and his dad took him with him to the garage, they played Led Zeppelin, Doors, songs that made electricity run through his small limbs and made him want to run around and be a kid.

Blaine Anderson is elevator music.

There's no excitement, and Kurt feels like a terrible person but he's _bored_, and sometimes he feels insulted and betrayed.

_You always zig when I think you're going to zag._

Does he really think so little of him? That he'd act like a spoiled child and pout? He lets it slide but he's letting an awful lot of things slide. Then again, he shouldn't have to.

He shouldn't have to make the first move after that what happened at the parking lot of Scandals. If Blaine had been fair he'd have come begging for forgiveness for betraying the trust he'd put in him like that.

It's especially unfair that his own boyfriend wouldn't listen to the _no_ and _stop_ and _wait_, when Karofsky had left when he realized Kurt didn't want that kiss.

It's another of the things he hides as best as he can but one argument with Dave Karofsky makes him feel more than he ever has with Blaine. And it shouldn't be like that. Blaine should be what he always dreamed of, but he isn't. It's Scarlett O'Hara saddled with Ashley Wilkes and that story should never, ever, end like that.

He's as flawed as a cracked mirror and he knows that. He can be manipulative, and petty and cruel and yes, he's jealous, sometimes of people he has no business being jealous of, but he can't help himself. He's jealous of the girls because they can walk down the halls with a boy on their arms and not be afraid, he's jealous of Finn and Puck and Mike because life would be much easier if he were like them, he's jealous of Blaine because he can pass.

No gay face for him.

And everyone loves him. Because it's perfect Blaine, perfect for _him_, like he was custom made, like Pygmalion's statue. And he hates it. Hates him.

So what if he doesn't want perfection. Sometimes he doesn't want softness and sweet smiles and elevator music. He wants Rhett Butler and sweat and anger and electricity and bass-thumping rock.

And he just can't get that from Blaine, Fight Club or not.

Sometimes when he can't sleep and his right hand slides lower he doesn't think of Blaine Anderson. He thinks of denim and letterman jackets and junk food and hazel eyes.

And feelings he knows are there because he's seen them, when the haze of hate lifted and he doesn't want to sound like a Disney Renaissance song, but there's something there.

There were tears and honesty and _power_, Kurt Hummel felt powerful. He could make him or break him and Dave trusted him enough to give him that power, trusted him more than anyone else had.

And it's real, and he actually feels something. There's electricity running through his veins thumping in his ears and everything feels heavy, but it's _glorious_.

He feels alive and if he were anyone else he'd have kissed Dave Karofsky right then and there. But he isn't, he's Kurt Hummel, who thinks before he acts, devoted boyfriend to one Blaine Anderson, and he never felt more like screaming at the world in his life.

_You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how._

_Gone With The Wind_ replaces _When Harry Met Sally_ as the most viewed movie in his television, the old VCR from his mother's collection, grainy and old, but still running, still working.

Vivien Leigh as Scarlett O'Hara, still despicable and strong and fighting tooth and nail for what she wants even if it's not what she needs, Clark Gable as Rhett Butler, still infuriatingly charming and better than he gives himself credit for. And Leslie Howard, still oblivious and cowardly. During those times Blaine stops by, shakes his head at his _silly, silly boyfriend_ and Kurt wants to throw the bowl of popcorn at his head but he doesn't.

Because he's Kurt Hummel and that's just not what he does. Meanwhile, _Gone With The Wind_ will be removed from the shelf every week, the resentment will grow and Dave Karofsky will be sitting at the bar, in the dimly-lit Scandals.


End file.
